Image Description: A white rose agansit a cream colored wall
Life with a learning disability has been one ofliving in the dark and in the light. I have experienced the darkness of
failure, frustration, and exclusion for having one. I have also lived in the
light of success, accomplishment, and acceptance. Each has been a process that
has molded me into the person I am today.
My journey began in the darkness, with aKindergarten diagnosis. A gloomy cloud lingered and rained on my learning. My
teacher noticed the struggle and recommended to my parents that I be tested for
having a learning disability. I had to repeat the grade in a new school
and began to receive specialty instructions and accommodations. The
specialty instruction was to help me learn, based on my needs and goals. The
accommodations of having the test read aloud and extra time on tests helped my
brain to process information better.
The dreary days followed me into my new school,where I not only struggled to learn but to fit in as well. I went to a small
conservative school district that was known for being a tight, close-knit
community. It was evident from the start that I did not fit in and was not
accepted. In regular education classes, I could not hide that I struggled in
the classroom. Because the school was so small in nature, I could not conceal
that I went to the learning support to take a test or a class. In learning support,
I also struggled to fit in. Most of my peers in learning support had trouble
with reading and writing. Other peers in learning support had behavior issues
and trauma backgrounds. I quickly got labeled the outcast in both classes.
The social gloom intensified as I progressed inschool. The peer groups became more defined, but I did not feel like I fit into
any of them. It was no longer people saying that I was not their friend or was
not invited to their birthday party. I began to receive threats and more
exclusion. No one wanted me to sit at the lunch table with them. I tried
unsuccessfully to fit in by wearing styles others wore, trying to engage in
activities my peers enjoyed, and talking like them. None of these strategies worked,
and I was left disconnected.
I started looking outside of my school foractivities, and I was fortunate to come across a few great resources. I found
an art-based program for teenagers outside of my school district. I found other
peers who shared my interests and found acceptance. I began to see that there
were others who did like me. I began to shed the reputation of an outcast that
lingered since kindergarten.
Once I transitioned out of that group, I found awriting group for adults that has been a bright spot for me. Many of the
members were a few years older than I was. The members watched me grow as a
writer and a person. I was encouraged to write about my life with a learning
disability, which I was not ready to do at the time. The group still meets
monthly to talk about our writing, and we are in each other’s lives outside of
meetings.
Academics began to get lighter for me as Iprogressed in school. I found that I was good at reading, writing, and public
speaking. I was put in all regular education classes, except for math and the
resource room in high school. My grades were also improving, and I shined with
light when I made the honor roll four years in a row.
The light of accomplishment was short-lived, anddark clouds brewed in the distance of my dreams outside of school. I knew that
I wanted to go to college, but feared I could not do it. I was not alone in my
fears and had others also doubt me. I had a learning support teacher who told
me that I would not be able to handle college and suggested a trade school. I
had a psychiatrist who told me that I would most likely not go beyond community
college
I did have a streak of hope with a student teacherin high school. She told me that I was smart and I could go to college, because
I knew how to study. Her voice was what I heard when it was hard at college.
The shadows of stigma and struggle followed me tocommunity college. I had faculty and students who thought that disability
accommodations were cheating. When I asked to use a calculator, I was told by
the professor that we used our brains in this class, not calculators. I had an
advisor who told me that I would have limited job choices when I graduated. I
struggled to learn and did not feel comfortable using accommodations, causing
my grades to drop further. A kind-hearted professor encouraged me to use them.
I had extra time on tests and tutoring. Even with these supports, I struggled,
but was able to graduate with my Associate's Degree in Early Childhood
Education.
Life began to brighten after college graduation. Iwas able to move out on my own and move into my first apartment. I enjoyed
living in my own in a central location. I am not able to drive because of my
disability, and this gave me independence. I worked in temporary jobs in school
settings. A gray cloud still lingered in the sky, and I struggled with my
purpose. I wondered if I would ever have a full-time job or find love. I also
wanted more for myself.
The gray cloud began to darken even further when Ihad to move back in with my parents for financial reasons. My job was
downsizing, and I thought that this was the perfect opportunity to go to a university.
I researched programs that had the least amount of math and science and had
disability accommodations. I made sure that I used the supports of extra
time of tests, a note taker, and tutoring when I needed it. I also advocated
for myself by telling professors that I had a learning disability and the supports
I would need. Most were understanding and willing to help.
The darkness began to fade and the light spilledin. My grades improved, and I made Deans list for a semester. I beamed when I
graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Community Programming for Americans with
Disabilities.
After graduation it took me a while to find a jobthat was the right fit for me. Many jobs claimed to be disability friendly, but
were anything but that. I now work as a Paraeducator in a school. I find it
rewarding to help students with their work. I can help them with anything, as
long as it is not math. I am not ashamed to admit that I cannot help with this.
I also know what many of my students are feeling. I know the shame,
frustration, and fears that come with being a student with a disability in the
classroom. If I did not have one, I could feel sympathy for them, but not
understand what it feels like to have one.
Another bright spot was finding my husband andgetting married. I knew that I always wanted to get married, but I worried that
I would not find someone because of my disability. I have had people reject me
because of my disability. I can remember my ex breaking up with me, saying that
I could drive if I wanted to, and he was tired of taking me places. I have an
understanding husband who helps to support me with having one. I could not ask
for a better person to share my life with.
Another talent was also brought to light in mylife. I discovered a love for photography. I find flowers and other interesting
things on my many walks. Not driving gives me the chance to notice details
others miss and to take pictures of them. If I were driving, I would be focused
on the road and would not get the chance to notice or take pictures of
beautiful things.
Life with a disability has been a mixture of darkand light. I have struggled with the gloom of frustration that has come with
learning. Along with the radiant beams of success and understanding, I have
faced the dark stigma and rejection for having one. I have also felt the
shining light of kindness and understanding from friends and loved ones. I have
also found interests such as photography and writing that have illuminated my
life. I will always live with pockets of light and dark with a disability. I will
struggle with the darkness of frustration and failure. But also triumph in the
light of success. The dark does not last forever, and the sun will break
through in its own time.
